By Bob Groeneveld
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We鈥檝e all become Schrodinger鈥檚 cats.
As you will no doubt recall from your high school physics classes, Erwin Schrodinger didn鈥檛 like cats very much, and so he sealed Fluffy in a box with a fragile vial of poison, thereby establishing one of the basic principles of modern physics.
Your science teacher may not remember it exactly the way I do, but here鈥檚 the quantum rundown.
If you hate cats, you are allowed to gleefully believe that the vial released its poison soon after Fluffy was put in the box in 1935, and she has long since entered a state of eternal bliss.
However, if you鈥檙e fond of cats (and you鈥檙e an eternal optimist), you can convince yourself that the poison vial didn鈥檛 break, and Fluffy has been patiently waiting all these years for Erwin to bring her a can of tuna.
And now the profound conclusion: Erwin can鈥檛 be charged with cruelty to animals until someone actually looks inside the box and sees whether or not the poison killed Fluffy. That鈥檚 because Erwin鈥檚 physically quantum lawyers will argue that Fluffy remains both alive and dead 鈥� or conversely, neither alive nor dead 鈥� until there is a witness to the alleged crime.
That, of course, also underlines some basic differences between theoretical physics and real life.
In reality, Erwin could be charged with cruelty whether or not Fluffy died in that box 鈥� because of the likelihood of dire consequences for Fluffy.
However, in real life, Schrodinger鈥檚 cat was the subject of a 鈥渢hought experiment,鈥� which means Erwin did not actually seal Fluffy in a box with a vial of poison鈥� he just thought about it. And without someone actually seeing him stuff Fluffy in the box, that only makes Erwin a potentially despicable human being, and not necessarily a criminal.
In a way, it鈥檚 very much like drinking and driving: if you鈥檙e caught driving while drunk, you can face severe legal penalties, whether or not you鈥檝e actually killed or maimed anyone鈥� because there is a very real possibility that turning the key in your ignition is akin to breaking a vial of poison that could destroy someone鈥檚 life.
Another way to break that vial of poison is to pick up your cell phone and start texting while you鈥檙e driving. In fact, the odds of getting into a fatal 鈥渁ccident鈥� while using your cell phone are exactly the same as if you were to drive while drunk.
And that鈥檚 just talking on your phone 鈥� texting is even deadlier than drinking.
Right now, you can鈥檛 be charged with distracted driving unless a police officer happens to look inside your box while you鈥檙e breaking that vial of poison.
But there鈥檚 an app for that.
Police may soon have the means to check a driver鈥檚 cell phone to see if he or she tried to break that vial of poison before the box was opened. They will be able to tell if the phone was used while the car was in motion, so it won鈥檛 do any good to quickly toss your cell phone into a cup holder and claim you were only charging your phone.
The possibility that police may be equipped with that app is sparking outrage. How dare they look inside the box before it鈥檚 physically opened!
Apparently, people believe they have the right to bang away at the vial of poison until the cat actually dies.
