Often thought of as a strategy to help a loved one recover from addiction, 鈥渢ough love鈥� is being criticized by some experts and people with lived experiences as having limited effectiveness and in some cases, fatal consequences.

Tough love can be described as the act of treating someone harshly with intent to help them in the long-run. Often, it entails 鈥榦r else鈥� ultimatums that result in a family member being cut off or left to feel isolated.

White Rock鈥檚 Ryan Nielsen, 27, is two years sober after a near-death battle with an opioid addiction. Ryan and his father, Darin Nielsen, were two of several panelists that spoke at an emotionally-charged Dialogue for Family Members Impacted by the Opioid Crisis event held Monday evening in White Rock.

Speaking to the Now-Leader prior to Monday鈥檚 event, Ryan explained that he turned to prescription opioids in early adulthood, partly because of how they were glamorized in media. He quickly realized how powerful opioids are at numbing emotions and concealing depression.

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The more Ryan used prescription opioids, the quicker he began to develop physical dependency. Due to costs, he turned to street drugs, which were cut with everything from fentanyl to benzodiazepines.

鈥淥nce you just dabble into it鈥� that鈥檚 kind of it,鈥� Ryan said. 鈥淵ou have a new demon on your back that鈥檚 hard to get rid of. It affects your thinking, it affects your emotions.鈥�

Ryan said he couldn鈥檛 sleep, eat, or even think without first getting his fix. No matter how bad he wanted to get out, he was pulled back in. His physical symptoms became so much that finding drugs was an act of survival.

鈥淵ou can鈥檛 do anything. Your whole day is revolved on, how can I get this so I can at least think of what I need to do 鈥� just to do the bare minimum.鈥�

Today, he attributes his positive relationship with his father, and the boundaries set by his family, as a key part to his multiple-year journey to recovery.

Ryan described the parenting style of his father as 鈥渢rial and error.鈥� In the early days of Ryan鈥檚 recovery, his family would show frustrations whenever he would 鈥渟lip up鈥� and relapse.

鈥淭here鈥檚 lots of times they would get upset鈥� that would make me almost go into a relapse mode where I鈥檓 like well shit鈥� if they鈥檙e mad at me, I can鈥檛 deal with this emotion on top of the withdrawals so I鈥檓 going to use right away,鈥� he said.

鈥淭he tough love really did not help, for sure. But at the same time, there has to be certain boundaries. That鈥檚 what helped me to the end.鈥�

One of the boundaries Ryan mentioned was that he was allowed to live in the family home under the condition he didn鈥檛 use inside the house. Compassion, honesty, empathy, and mutual understanding were also on offer, he added.

鈥淭hat really helped me, having firm boundaries but also being compassionate and being honest.鈥�

Ryan and Darin agree that a pivotal moment in Ryan鈥檚 recovery happened shortly after he returned from a treatment centre and relapsed.

Darin said he had to sell an investment property, which was saved for the kids, to put Ryan into the treatment centre.

鈥淢y knee-jerk reaction was, 鈥榟ow could you do this to me. I鈥檝e sacrificed my future, how could you do this,鈥欌�� Darin said. 鈥淚t was me, me, me, me. I got myself in this pity-party victim mode.鈥�

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Instead of acting on his reaction, Darin said he took time to reflect and think about lessons learned from Sources Community Resource Centre on how to respond with love, not toughness.

鈥淟ets give it a shot. Lets try to respond with compassion. I calmed myself down. Clearly this other approach of 鈥榶ou鈥檙e out of the house鈥� doesn鈥檛 work鈥� So lets give it a go,鈥� Darin said.

Darin said he went for a walk with Ryan, and talked about how Ryan was feeling while he was conquering his addiction, and the dopamine release because of that accomplishment.

It was a conversation that changed everything.

鈥淪o you fell off the horse, big deal, who gives a shit, get back on the horse and get back to that feeling. Lets figure out what went wrong and how do we intercept earlier and mitigate this going forward,鈥� Darin told his son in that moment.

鈥淭hat was a different conversation than I ever had with him and he responded much differently. We did something different and we got a different outcome, an outcome that was positive. It validated to me that wow, this hocus-pocus, lovey-dovey stuff that everyone is talking about works.鈥�

Ryan said knowing his father was there for him, through thick or thin, was what he needed.

鈥淗aving someone understand me, relate to my emotions and being there for me was so helpful. That was part of the end鈥� I felt like I could do things. I could do recovery.鈥�

Parenting and setting boundaries

Darin said what鈥檚 often lost on parents is that they need to safeguard their own well-being with boundaries and self-care.

鈥淵ou need to step back and revisit yourself,鈥� he said. 鈥淭ake care of that person in the mirror before you can take care of someone else. Get your own house in order. That鈥檚 so critical.鈥�

Sources addictions services manager George Passmore said he often hears the term 鈥榯ough love,鈥� but noted there鈥檚 always a strong emphasis on the word 鈥渢ough鈥� and very little evidence of 鈥渓ove.鈥�

鈥淚f we remove love from people鈥檚 lives, they do not have better outcomes, ever,鈥� Passmore said.

Key to finding a balance is setting boundaries that allow parents to have their own space for well-being, but at the same time being supportive for their struggling child.

鈥淏oundaries are how to define your own space for well-being, what you need in your life to be well. Everyone has a right to that,鈥� Passmore said.

Passmore said an old idea of thinking is that if a parent makes it too comfortable for their child, there would never be impetus to change.

鈥淐ertainly, there鈥檚 some thought around that,鈥� Passmore added. 鈥淏ut there鈥檚 a whole approach in counselling called motivational interviewing that is all about engaging people around what they want most in life. And engaging people where they鈥檙e at, but also being curious about where they may want to go in their life. And to explore to what degree is their relationship with substances. To what degree is it benefiting them? Or harming them? Or hindering them in their goal? That鈥檚 a very different way to explore something so it鈥檚 kind of coming alongside someone rather than coming at them, or pushing them away.鈥�

Toxic drugs are now the leading cause of death in B.C. for people between 19 and 39 years of age. The majority of those were men, and were alone at the time of their death.

Ryan now works for the White Rock Community Action Team 鈥楾ides of Change.鈥� His motivation to speaking with the newspaper, he said, is to help at least one person get on the pathway to recovery.

鈥淚t鈥檚 weird to think that I could have not made it out of that and I could have been a life lost. If there鈥檚 any way, or any chance, that I could help even just one person, that brings me a lot of fulfillment.鈥�

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, contact Sources at 604-538-2522.

aaron.hinks@surreynowleader.com
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