Where are all the artisanal, small batch, organic criminals?
It seems that during the past decade, every other human endeavour has come under the thrall of the quasi-hipster 鈥渁uthenticity鈥� movement.
It鈥檚 not a beer, it鈥檚 an small-batch IPA. It鈥檚 not meat, it鈥檚 charcuterie! It鈥檚 not a bunch of stuff you鈥檝e crammed into your garage, it鈥檚 a curated collection of artifacts.
So why not crime? Why are people not trying to get in touch with authentic criminal folkways of the past? Criminals and their victims used to have a real organic connection, you know? It wasn鈥檛 just a mugging, it was all about selecting the proper urine-stained alley with too few sodium-vapour street lights.
A mugging like that, you鈥檒l still be telling your grandkids about. Some guy who pretends he鈥檚 selling an iPad on Craigslist and points an airsoft pistol at you? That guy needs to be more mindful of his lifeway, I鈥檒l tell you that.
So here鈥檚 a few tips for any budding criminals out there:
鈥� Heritage is imporant
Have you ever considered getting a tricorner hat, a flintlock pistol, a spadroon, and a stallion black as midnight and swift as lightning? Maybe you should!
Highwaymen used to be respected (well, not respected exactly) part of the community. Going out and being told to 鈥淪tand and deliver!鈥� really livened up a trip from one Tudor-era English country house to another.
Remember 鈥� don鈥檛 shoot over the coachman鈥檚 head unless you have multiple pistols loaded.
鈥� Don鈥檛 be a stranger
It鈥檚 obviously tempting, after having drilled through a safe or climbed up four storeys to an unguarded window, to just grab the jewels and hightail it out of there.
But take a moment to leave your calling card. It adds that touch of class that reminds people of Carey Grant and Grace Kelly, of the days when going to dinner meant wearing a tie or pearls.
Make sure no one else is using your nom de crime. You have no idea how many people are already 鈥淭he Black Cat.鈥�
鈥� Get an A for effort
Crime is about the journey. Sure, you could just siphon millions from your target鈥檚 bitcoin accounts after you find his password on a Post-It. But wouldn鈥檛 it be more fun to create an elaborate sting, complete with multiple turnabouts, a fake betting parlour, and dozens of hired con men playing small parts?
These crimehacks will make your next spree of robbery a vital part of our community, and likely only add a few years to your sentence.
