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Column: Taking US-Canada relations to the next level

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In 1972, as part of the ongoing search for our elusive national identity, the CBC鈥檚 Peter Gzowski held a contest, challenging listeners to complete the phrase, 鈥淎s Canadian as鈥︹

The obvious answers flowed in, including, 鈥淎s Canadian as hockey鈥 and 鈥淎s Canadian as a toboggan.鈥 No doubt a toque or a two-four were thrown in, for good measure.

This year, as our nation celebrates its sesquicentennial, it might be the appropriate time to add a few more.

Perhaps, 鈥淎s Canadian as a multi-million-dollar maple-syrup heist,鈥 or 鈥溾s a Hudson Bay blanket covered in ketchup-chip dust.鈥

But back then, it was a Sarnia woman named Heather Scott who hit it on the head with her now-famous winning answer: 鈥淎s Canadian as possible under the circumstances.鈥

This niggling sense 鈥 that compared to our larger, louder next-door neighbours, we don鈥檛 always register on the world stage 鈥 isn鈥檛 new. Far from it.

As our first Prime Minister Trudeau declared in 1969, in a speech to the Washington Press Club: 鈥淟iving next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast 鈥 one is affected by every twitch and grunt.鈥

If you鈥檝e traveled abroad, you鈥檝e likely had to correct someone who鈥檚 misidentified your accent. And that鈥檚 not factoring in the ol鈥 American-with-a-maple-leaf-on-his-backpack hijinks.

We鈥檝e often heard our famous citizens described as 鈥渢he Canadian version of (insert big-name American celebrity here)鈥 or find no reference at all to their nationality. That鈥檚 unlike, say, the Brits or Aussies, who need only utter syllable or two to make their origins known.

So, as the recent U.S. election progressed, and the cries of 鈥淚f so-and-so wins, I鈥檓 moving to Canada鈥 grew louder, we sat up a little straighter. This was our Sally-Field-at-the-Oscars moment 鈥 鈥淵ou like us. You really like us.鈥

Suddenly, we started feeling pretty pleased with ourselves, our underlying inferiority complex evolving into smug self-satisfaction.

鈥淵eah, we鈥檝e been this great all along. Thanks for noticing. Uh鈥 this isn鈥檛 just a convenience thing, right?鈥

While it鈥檚 clear most non-fans of the eventual victor have since decided to stick it out and work to 鈥淢ake America Great Again鈥 on their own terms, no doubt there are those who are still scouring the help-wanted ads and looking up real-estate listings in the land of homogenized milk and honey.

But for the average (that is, non-filthy rich) citizen, picking up and moving to another country isn鈥檛 that simple. They鈥檒l be asked: Is there a need for your particular skill set? Are you fleeing for your life? Is one or more of your parents from around here?

But for those, ahem, loonie enough to try it, there鈥檚 always the option of marrying your way into the country.

Of course, as anyone who has watched The Proposal knows, (that鈥檚 the one starring Canada鈥檚 version of Brad Pitt), it鈥檚 not enough to just get hitched; there must be an element of love.

I鈥檓 pretty sure I have an entertaining solution. As an added bonus, it鈥檚 something our American cousins, and their new leader, will likely embrace 鈥 a reality TV show.

Think of it as Border Patrol meets The Bachelor. They could set up tables in Peace Arch Park and we鈥檇 all watch with bated breath as hopeful international soulmates lined both sides of the 49th parallel, with long-stemmed red roses tucked inside their passports.

There鈥檚 probably no need to talk politics, since it will be fairly obvious where the soon-to-be expats stand on those issues.

It鈥檒l be straight into the speed-rounds, asking the important questions, like, 鈥淲hat is American cheese, exactly?鈥 before debating how soon it鈥檚 OK to discuss makin鈥 Canadian bacon.

Once the matches are made, the Canadians can vow to take their American spouses for better or for worse, for as long as they both shall live鈥 or at least for the next four to eight years, depending on how long the honeymoon period lasts for those left behind with their new president.

The name of the show 鈥 Love Trumps All.

How can it lose?



About the Author: Black Press Media Staff

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