A damaged microphone on my iPhone gave me some insight into the current state of automated voice recognition.
I took the phone in to the geniuses at Apple 鈥� I鈥檓 not being facetious, that鈥檚 what they call themselves.
I don鈥檛 know about 鈥済enius,鈥� but they did seem to have a handle on what they were doing.
Except they couldn鈥檛 fix the microphone. So they offered to replace the whole phone for the cost of fixing the mic. Cool.
But when I got the work order, it quoted the full price of a replacement phone. So I called the genius store to ask what鈥檚 up with that.
The geniuses don鈥檛 answer their phone. A computer does.
It isn鈥檛 a 鈥淧ress one for English...鈥� kind of computer. The Apple genius computer tries to have a conversation.
It鈥檚 a clever idea, but...
Upon being invited to speak freely, I explained my situation. However, every time I said 鈥渞eplacement phone,鈥� the voice on the other end of the line offered to replace my phone.
鈥淣o,鈥� I explained, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 want a replacement phone...鈥�
And the voice offered to replace my phone.
So I tried again.
鈥淚鈥檓 already getting a replacement phone,鈥� I said.
And the voice offered to replace my phone.
I started sounding like I was explaining how fish swim to a four-year-old.
The carefully exaggerated enunciation of short words in short phrases did nothing to aid the computer in understanding my plight.
But instead of flat-out offering to replace my phone, this time I got detailed instructions on how to have my phone replaced.
One small step for a man...
So I simply asked to speak to someone about the indicated charge, adding no particulars.
And the voice asked me for particulars.
I said it was about a bill... and got contact information for the genius鈥檚 accounting department.
When I finally uttered a sentence that included the words 鈥渞eal human being鈥� I was transferred to a live body, who set my mind at ease about the work order, and commiserated with me over the automated voice.
鈥淲e haven鈥檛 got all the bugs out yet,鈥� he said.
I should have responded, 鈥淚 feed chickadees through the winter and they eat the bugs in my garden the rest of the year.鈥�
But not as fast on my feet as that computer, I just said, 鈥淵ah,鈥� as if I understood.
